www.jokesontheweb.com

Blonde jokes

2004-11-03T10:14:00.000-08:00

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.Q: Why did God create brunettes?A: Neither could the blondes.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.Q: Why does it work?A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?A: They can't keep their calves together!
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Here's your sign

2004-11-03T10:01:00.000-08:00

Talking about stupid people, I was behind a lady in a grocery store at the checkout counter. The cashier scanned her items and bagged them as the lady wrote out a check. She hemmed and hawwed a bit trying to recall the correct date to write on her check, or so I thought. She then clearly and in all seriousness asked the cashier "how do you spell IGA?" I must say its been quite a while since I've done some serious upwards eye-rolling at someone. Here's Your Sign

Here's your sign

2004-11-03T09:57:00.000-08:00

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid"
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? Youwouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuseme...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign." ...
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house wasfull of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in ourdriveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, youmoving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once ortwice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here'syour sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddyof mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted upthis big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on thedock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on theDiscovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a sharkbite suit. And there's only one way to test it."all right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looksgood...They want you to jump into this pool of sharks,and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.""Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don'twanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck intoone of those side-of-the-road gas stations. Theattendant walks out, looks at my truck,looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" Icouldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving aroundand those other three just swelled right up on me.Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. Aguy came over to the house and drove the car aroundfor about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, hegets out of the car, reaches down and grabs theexhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days ofadventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height ofa bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get itout no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help andeventually a local cop shows up to take the report.He went through his basic questioning. No problem. Ithought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he says "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig, then back to him and said, "No I'm delivering a bridge...Here's your sign!".

Redneck jokes

2004-11-03T00:56:00.000-08:00

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s.
. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
. . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.
. . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.
. . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
. . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
. . . you’ve got more than one other named “Darryl”.
. . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest.
. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
. . . you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
. . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
. . . your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.
. . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.
. . . your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’.
. . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
. . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s Eve party.
. . . you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
. . . you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
. . . you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.
. . . you’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
. . . you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
. . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
. . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.
. . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.
. . . you think paprika is a Third World country.
. . . you ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”
. . . you go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.
. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high.
. . . you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.
. . . you played the banjo in your high school band.
. . . the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.
. . . you have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.
. . . you can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
. . . your mother doesn’t put shoes on to go grocery shopping.
. . . you’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
. . . you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
. . . anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
. . . you don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
. . . you’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
. . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
. . . you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
. . . you’ve ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
. . . you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
. . . you’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba!” during a piano recital.
. . . your kids’ favorite bedtime story is “Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.”
. . . your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever read.
. . . you know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
. . . you’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
. . . your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
. . . you’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
. . . you time your belches to achieve a personal best.
. . . your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts.
. . . the fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.
. . . your favorite restaurant has the word “eats” anywhere in the name.
. . . there’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.
. . . you have grease under your toenails.
. . . your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull.
. . . the most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is “What the hell are you lookin’ at Diphead?”
. . . your best coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn’t.
. . . your mother has more chest hair than your father.
. . . you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
. . . you think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.
. . . your mama saves aluminum foil.
. . . you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
. . . you clean your house with a water hose.
. . . during the wedding ceremony the minister said, “Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?”
. . . the game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.
. . . you pawned your grandfather’s pocket watch because you needed beer money for the weekend.
. . . you took your coon dogs on your honeymoon.
. . . you drive across town to see a car wreck.
. . . it’s impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform.
. . . you think that anyone with ten fingers and toes is abnormal.
. . . you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a “freebie” at the House of Tattoos.
. . . you have a personal account of a UFO sighting.
. . . you think a hard drive is driving more than one hour.
. . . you’ve ever taken a generator and a 27-inch TV camping.
. . . you help booby trap your family’s marijuana crop.
. . . you have ever made a frog-gigging spear.
. . . the last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.
. . . your mother’s only shoes are house slippers.
. . . your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.
. . . you wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
. . . you follow the tractor pull circuit.
. . . you have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
. . . your primary income involves pigs or manure.
. . . your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
. . . your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in at least 13 states.
. . . you were expelled from summer school.
. . . you’ve ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.
. . . you attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.
. . . your baby’s crib mobile is made out of beer cans.
. . . you’ve ever been asked to leave Shoney’s all-you-can-eat breakfast.
. . . you have a grave in your yard.
. . . you’ve ever stolen toilet paper.
. . . you think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
. . . your deceased hunting dog’s tombstone is larger than your grandfather’s.
. . . you wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
. . . you think the police can’t see you because your truck is painted camouflage.
. . . your car ashtray is so packed, you can’t get it out.
. . . you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
. . . you’re driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
. . . you quit your job because deer season’s fixin’ to start.
. . . your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.
. . . you’ve ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.
. . . you’re a member of the “Chaw of the Month Club.”
. . . your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
. . . you’ve ever been hunting on a tractor.
. . . your yard has more than ten ceramic figurines.
. . . you think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.
. . . you must go through more than 2 gates to get to your home.
. . . you’ve never seen a film with subtitles.
. . . you own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.
. . . you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
. . . you’ve ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.
. . . you won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
. . . your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties.
. . . your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.
. . . three-fourths of all the clothes you own have logos on them.
. . . when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is how to lose them.
. . . your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
. . . you can’t marry your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
. . . you’ve ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
. . . getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
. . . you dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.
. . . you’ve ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.
. . . your coat of arms features a tire iron.
. . . you own a denim leisure suit.
. . . you use Armor-All on your leather jacket.
. . . your spare tire is a cement block.
. . . the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
. . . your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors.
. . . your tires are worth more than your truck.
. . . you tried to claim “loss of teeth” as an exemption on your taxes.
. . . your daddy’s legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower’s autograph on a Stuckey’s napkin.
. . . you bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.
. . . you think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
. . . you take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.
. . . you and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.
. . . Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
. . . you prefer car keys to Q-tips.
. . . you have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.
. . . people don’t recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
. . . your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.
. . . you participate in a “Who can spit tobacco the farthest?” contest.
. . . you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
. . . you’re not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you do like to look at the pictures.
. . . you’ve ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
. . . the front license plate of your car has the words “Foxy Lady” written in airbrush.
. . . your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
. . . any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
. . . all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.
. . . you have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
. . . you have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
. . . you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
. . . you refer to your beer gut as “the old tool shed.”
. . . you’ve ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard.
. . . your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
. . . you’ve ever vacationed in a rest area.
. . . you always thought “Guns and Roses” was something you get for your anniversary.
. . . you proposed in a Denny’s.
. . . the passengers enter your vehicle through the driver’s-side door.
. . . you had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
. . . you think “Chablis” is the name of last month’s Playboy centerfold.
. . . you save cooking grease in a coffee can.
. . . you inherited a Styrofoam cooler.
. . . there’s no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.
. . . your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.
. . . you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
. . . you’ve ever had to move a car seat to make love.
. . . you’re familiar with Copenhagen but have never heard of Denmark.
. . . your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.
. . . you think a stock tip is advice on wormin’ your hogs.
. . . you don’t have a home phone.
. . . you think “Ross Perot” is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.
. . . you think “trash TV” is something in your backyard.
. . . stealing road signs is a family outing.
. . . you think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
. . . you’ve ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can’t find you.
. . . you have an above ground pool and you fish in it.
. . . your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
. . . an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
. . . you thing “megabytes” means a good day fishing.
. . . you’ve ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
. . . your deer stand has an address.
. . . you have more things with Hank Williams Jr.’s name on them than your own.
. . . you think a lavatory is a breed of dog.
. . . you’ve ever taken a date flowers you’ve stole from a cemetery.
. . . you’ve ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.
. . . you use old auto parts as a boat anchor.
. . . your pickup truck and wife are the same age.
. . . your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.
. . . you’ve ever given livestock as a wedding present.
. . . you think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.
. . . people hear your car a long time before they see it.
. . . your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family.
. . . your bridal veil was made of window screen.
. . . you call your boss “dude.”
. . . you repaint your pink flamingo every spring . . . but not your house.
. . . you have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.
. . . you think an oil change involves a comb and a bottle of Vitalis.
. . . you whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.
. . . your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
. . . you think ribs come from Europe.
. . . your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.
. . . the nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.
. . . your Friday nights consist of lots of Budwieser and a mechanical bull.
. . . you have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.
. . . the Marlboro man is your idol.
. . . you see a sign that says “dip in road” and you stop to see what flavor it is.
. . . you think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.
. . . you’ve ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.
. . . you’ve ever fished from over a fence.
. . . you have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.
. . . your state senator is willingly photographed with no shirt and a leather vest on a Harley, but refuses to take a Breathalyzer test.
. . . you think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.
. . . you keep catfish in your aquarium.
. . . you think truffles are a brand of potato chips.
. . . you’ve ever bought a used cap.
. . . you know all the verses to the “Hee Haw” song.
. . . your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
. . . your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.
. . . any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
. . . you think people who have electricity are uppity.
. . . you know how to milk a goat.
. . . you’ve ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
. . . your two best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.
. . . you’ve ever hollered, “You kids quit playin’ on that sheet metal.”
. . . your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.
. . . your idea of summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard.
. . . you’ve ever named a child for a good dog.
. . . there are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
. . . your local newspaper has a front-page feature called “Cow of the Week.”
. . . you don’t need a clean shirt to go to work.
. . . you bum a dip from your mother.
. . . you have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.
. . . your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.
. . . you think “Hooked on Phonics” is a fishing show.
. . . you’ve ever attended a dance at the bus station.
. . . your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.
. . . you spend three days in line for Reba tickets.
. . . you can’t keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.
. . . you think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
. . . you drive more than thirty miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.
. . . you spend most of your time in the laundromat so you can watch TV.
. . . grass is growing in the floor boards of your car.
. . . the highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
. . . the auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
. . . you own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.
. . . your third-grade class has a no-smoking section.
. . . your wife left you for last year’s winner of the hog-calling contest.
. . . your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
. . . it took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class three times to pass his driving test.
. . . you cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.
. . . you cut your toenails in front of company.
. . . a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.
. . . your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
. . . you ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.
. . . you hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.
. . . you use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.
. . . you use the shaving cream made for tough beards . . . and so does your husband.
. . . you regularly see kinfolks on “America’s Most Wanted.”
. . . you refuse to slide in softball because you don’t want to crush your cigarettes.
. . . the emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
. . . your car has more than two exhaust pipes.
. . . people come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
. . . your house plants aren’t in pots.
. . . you think the stock market has a fence around it.
. . . you wear a tank top to your mother’s funeral.
. . . your front yard looks like a Toys R Us after a tornado.
. . . you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
. . . everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
. . . you’ve ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
. . . making beer is a neighborhood project.
. . . you clean your fingernails with a stick.
. . . you’ve ever gotten in fist fight in a laundromat over a dryer.
. . . there is a restraining order on your pets.
. . . you secretly get your firewood from your neighbor’s yard.
. . . you wipe your feet before you walk out of your house.
. . . your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.
. . . your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
. . . you take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
. . . your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.
. . . your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.
. . . in preparation for your upcoming wedding, your register your Tupperware pattern.
. . . you are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.
. . . you consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.
. . . one of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.
. . . your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.
. . . your picture is on the wall of more than three bait stores.
. . . your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.
. . . you buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
. . . you’ve ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
. . . you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
. . . your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
. . . you’ve ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.
. . . your screen door has no screen.
. . . there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
. . . the receptionist is responsible for checking the rat traps at your place of business.
. . . your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.
. . . your church has a “happy hour.”
. . . you’ve ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
. . . there is trophy in your house with the word “spitting” on it.
. . . you open beer bottles with your belt buckle.
. . . you’ve ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.
. . . you tell Grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see.
. . . you use the “O” on the stop sign in front of your house to sight in your new rifle.
. . . you punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.
. . . you think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.
. . . you wear your softball uniform even on the days you’re not playing.
. . . your pickup truck used to be a car.
. . . your favorite fishing lure is TNT.
. . . your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.
. . . you stockpile pork and beans.
. . . your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.
. . . you use baling wire to keep your car door closed.
. . . your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.
. . . you’ve ever lost your wife in a poker game.
. . . your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
. . . you send your kid in for treatment because you think he’s hooked on phonics.
. . . the air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than 5 years ago.
. . . there are more than 5 animals sleeping in your bed.
. . . your best pick-up line for women is written on your baseball cap.
. . . you had a receding hairline in the 6th grade.
. . . you think “social consciousness” means how well you can hold your liquor.
. . . you spit on your own floor.
. . . your bring a bar of soap to a public pool.
. . . you keep a pellet gun by the front door.
. . . you’ve ever participated in a burp-off.
. . . you’ve ever heckled during a eulogy.
. . . your wife puts Bean-O on everything you eat.
. . . your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.
. . . you taught your children how to play “Pull My Finger.”
. . . you own half a pickup truck.
. . . the church social committee is afraid to meet at your house.
. . . you own a trophy that includes the words “cow chip toss” on it.
. . . you’ve ever made love on a tire swing.
. . . the first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is, “Where’s the nearest liquor store?”
. . . you show strangers your war wound.
. . . your mailing address includes the word “holler.”
. . . the Salvation Army comes to your house and takes the wrong furniture.
. . . there are antlers nailed to the outside of your house.
. . . you fill up the bathtub just to test out a fishing lure.
. . . your Thanksgiving centerpiece has ever been prepared by a taxidermist.
. . . you own every Box Car Willie album.
. . . you refer to your dog as your youngest.
. . . you select a date’s corsage to match her tattoo.
. . . you’re over 30 and still giving other people “wedgies.”
. . . you have three first names.
. . . turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
. . . you’ve ever water-skied in your underwear.
. . . you throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.
. . . your garbage man is confused about what stays and what goes.
. . . the hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
. . . you think a dashboard is the best place to keep your hats.
. . . for your first anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-mart snack bar.
. . . you’ve ever slow danced at a Waffle House.
. . . you videotape fishing shows.
. . . you’ve ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
. . . there is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
. . . your wedding toast was made with a quart of Old Milwaukee.
. . . you hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree.
. . . your chili’s secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.
. . . someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.”
. . . your masseuse uses lard.
. . . your family’s #1 enemy is revenuers.
. . . your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.
. . . when describing your kids, you use the phrase “dumb as a brick.”
. . . your favorite cap says, “Babymaker.”
. . . you’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
. . . you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
. . . you get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.
. . . you are allowed to bring your dog to work.
. . . chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
. . . the flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls.
. . . your wife has been involved in more than six barroom brawls in the last two weeks.
. . . your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.
. . . you fish coins out of public fountains